Things that I have learned about relationships in my 35 years on the planet.

I have had a lot of failed relationships. Or really, ATTEMPTS at romantic relationships.

I have carried many torches. I have been on a lot of first dates.

These are the things that I have learned. Hopefully they will help you.

1. There is no “The One”
1. There are 7.5 billion people on the planet. Sure, a good portion of them live in China and India.  But that means there is no “One” for you.  It is statistically impossible and evolutionarily absurd.  There are MANY people with whom you are compatible. If you screw up with one, get it together and find another.
2. Relationships outside of your own are fictional. Trust your gut.  
1. You can’t live up to the expectation of what you see on TV or the Movies.  Or even examples of your friend’s and family’s  “Ideal” relationship. You don’t see everything they are doing. As long as you feel good in your relationship, and aren’t being hurt, trust your gut and go with the flow.
3. The  person(s) who are for YOU will be DELIGHTED to hear from you. If not, Delete them.
1. Especially in the beginning.  I sometimes get the feeling that “hmm I may be doing too much.” or “Shit, I said/did the wrong thing. They will think I am an idiot”  They won’t. They will be happy that you are paying them attention.  If you sense that they aren’t, move along.  
4. Face to Face>Phone>>>>>>>texting
1. WE are animals. We are not artificial intelligence.  We respond best to organic stimulation not 0010011101100. Unless you have some sort of developmental problem like Autism, we need to see facial expressions, observe body language hear tone of people’s voice in order for things not to get lost in translation.  Especially if people’s first language isn’t english
2. Texting should be your very last resort in communication ESPECIALLY in the beginning of ANY relationship.  It should be reserved for quick plan making only. After you have established an in-person relationship or phone relationship, then you can move to texting. But if you find you are having an actual Conversation over text you need to cut it off.
3. If you really like writing, write that person an actual LETTER or even an Email. Something they can print out and make tangible.
4. Sexting is ok IF it is used as a build up to IN PERSON relations.
5. Don’t take things personally.
1. This is one of the Four Agreements.  
2. People do things as a reflection of how they are feeling INTERNALLY.
3. Do not feel bad about giving someone a time-out by walking away if they aren’t treating you in the way that you feel you should be treated.  Usually they will come back. You can use this time to get yourself together too.

The Desires of my Heart

I made a list of "things I want in a man" some years ago and, in my youth, it had WAY too many things on it. 

I have narrowed it down to 6 things: 

He loves me and TREATS ME WELL

A lot of guys think that this means you have to spend a bunch of money. No. Act like the guy you want you daughter/sister/mother to marry. This means you can communicate effectively, like a grown up person. 

Is attractive to me and attracted to me

I like all kinds of different guys. You can't be "in the closet" about dating fat girls/black girls/smart girls.  I want us to not be able to keep our hands off of each other. 

Is encouraging and willing to be encouraged 

Teamwork makes the Dream work. 

Would like to be married, to me

I am getting old.  It is time to date intentionally. Not that I am in a rush to get down the aisle, but I am tired of the bs. We can have fun, with out the "we're just having fun" attitude.  The only benefits I need from friends are the occasional ride to the airport. 

Can make me laugh

My job is very stressful, I don't want to be serious and stressed out at home too!

 

Has some modicum of cultural competence

Be interested and engaged in learning something new.  Don't be a jerk to people who are different. 

So, that's it.  Is that you? Do you have a list too? If "she can cook" is on there, please try harder!

You know you are pathetic,

When the warmth of your MacBook is all you need.

Seriously, this drought better end soon.

OK cupid:Or how I am learning to unplug and get out of the house.

I just want a dinner, a nice dinner. A chance to dress up and have some flirty conversation. Maybe a little inebriated roll around. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

From this research conducted by OKcupid a free online dating site they have concluded that while after being contacted by a man:
"Black women write back the most. Whether it’s due to talkativeness, loneliness, or a sense of plain decency, black women are by far the most likely to respond to a first contact attempt. In many cases, their response rate is one and a half times the average, and, overall, black women reply about a quarter more often that other women."

If a Black woman had made first contact:
"Men don’t write black women back. Or rather, they write them back far less often than they should. Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race—including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder."

Then they have constructed a pretty little graph which would make any high school statistics teacher proud:

"How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get" October 5th, 2009 by Christian Rudder

Now, you can take this "data" (culled from the site's own membership population) with a grain of salt. Are there less Black women on this particular site than the general population? Are there men on this sight who specifically do not want a Black woman than say on Blackpeoplemeet.com or Interracialsingles.com?

I personally took this information as a go ahead for a free for all on my part. If the guys were statistically less likely to respond to me overall, it shouldn't matter how deep or well worded my initial messages are.After completing a zillion questions, I found that I "matched" with a bunch of glasses wearing, angsty, hipster, atheists (Oberlin much?). I sent brief messages to any guy I thought was even remotely attractive. Mostly in reference to some bit of information I saw on their profile pages.

This has worked only marginally. Most men taking time to view my profile (I know this thanks to the stalker-ish "who viewed me" tab on their website) but not replying.

I have gotten a few replies, IMs back and forth. etc. but nothing has really stuck. I finally spoke on the phone with one guy who I spent a weekend emailing back and forth. He dominated the conversation spouting pseudo-intellectualisms that made my head hurt. Unpacking issues about race, religion and politics in a prolonged diatribe that most of my friends and I came to terms with in undergrad. On and on and on. He told me he just wanted to be with his "people" (vegan Bhudists)

After I got off the phone (one of his "Band mates" called about rehearsal. Seriously?) He sent another Epic Email about how he was glad that the internet brought us together, however, he was not feeling an "ideological connection" wocka wocka wocka and can we just "be friends?"

No, we cannot.

I have friends. My friends are some of the smartest people on the planet. My friends have healing hands. My friends are political activists, fierce poets, way finders, game changers. Thankyouverymuch.

I am looking for a LOVER (oooh even that word makes me feel all gushy and old tee hee) who just can't get enough of me, with at least a little "mate-potential."

What do I take from this?

1. I need to spend less time in front of glowing screens and actually go out into the big bad world.
If I had actually met said pseudo-intellectual on the street, I probably would not have spent so much time talking with him, thinking about what to say, spell-checking etc. And would have dismissed that guy immediately. I only have so much patience for your bullshit.

2. The internets aren't all bad. There is one (ONE) couple that I know who met on a dating site and are now happily married. You can broaden your search for that special someone to people you may never meet otherwise. However, I know now that you must take the profiles that are on these sites with a grain of salt. These are highly edited (often fabricated) advertisements for the people they represent. Real people have weird laughs, they wear shiny club shirts, they have questionable personal hygiene. All of which you can't experience in the online world. I will definitely spend less time online opting to make "first real world contact" much sooner.